Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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