How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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