A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
sex in a hospital.. check
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
