Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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