happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
