I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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