According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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