life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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