my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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