How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
