At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
