I will die if light touches me.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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