we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
