Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
