i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize