Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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