speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
