She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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