How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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