last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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