She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Randomize
