party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
