Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
