I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
