You smell like a Billy Joel song
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
