Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Your dad touched me again.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
