Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
