i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
