You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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