I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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