She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Randomize
