we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize