I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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