i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
