'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize