A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
