My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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