When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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