DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Congratulations! We have a period
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
