So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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