I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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