quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
