My hand turned me down
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
