Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
