So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
