Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
