My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
