I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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