he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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