what day is it and did you see me today?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
