sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
