if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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