sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We got so high we made milksteak
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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