he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
