i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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