She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
