BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
