please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I need to calm my uterus...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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