Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
