chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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