I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
