Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
